Will my kid become aggressive?

So, will martial arts training make your kid aggressive, seek out fights, and will it be safe?

This is a really common and frankly a reasonable and smart question. You go to a martial arts school, you're introducing other people to your child that are going to be mentors in some way. A lot of how that school is going to help them is going to have to do with what kind of mentors you're picking.

You have to think of the martial arts school as being part of your team as a parent. That's a big deal. Just like if I were going to, for my son, hire somebody to teach him how to paint. I do not draw well. If I was going to get him a teacher for painting, I would sit down and speak to the teacher. Can I hold a conversation with this person? My son's going to absorb some of their mannerisms. Am I comfortable with that? Am I okay with that?

If you really want to find out, I would take classes with that painting instructor myself so I can really get a vibe on what kind of person they are and see how they work. Then when my son is having something that he's studying or having problems or challenges, I can really understand what he's doing and go into it with him. I'm still able to be a parent, but I also look at him as just another person. He can look at me as another human being who is learning something. While they're learning how to paint, I would also be teaching my son how to learn, how to be a good student.

From there, look at the way they train. If you're not going to take class with them, because not everybody can, watch the way they train. You don't have to sit for every class, but sit regularly. I'd say at minimum one to two a month and just watch. See how they train. Do you see things that are questionable? Are they always wearing mouthguards? In the case of jiu-jitsu or taekwondo, the things we teach here, the moment that they're sparring each other, mouthguards, in the case of taekwondo, full pads, cups for the boys, everything. Or is there a lot of striking that's happening that's, well, you have to toughen up. You have to be careful.

I know in some Japanese martial arts they'll be punching a makiwara board, which is a thing that conditions the knuckles, and then they also break pine boards. Those things, just making sure that that's done reasonably. In general, watch for that.

In terms of them wanting to fight, that also goes back to how do they teach here. What we do is we say in our jiu-jitsu classes for the kids that you don't need to punch or kick. You're going to learn how to hold on to this person and control them and tire them out. In taekwondo, we let them know if you're having trouble with bullies and you start punching and kicking people, there's a really good chance you're going to get into as much trouble as the person that's bullying. In that case, we always encourage people who are having bullying trouble to do jiu-jitsu. For taekwondo, for the kids, it's more of a thing where we just go, you can use this to defend yourself, but if you do, remember, you're going to be beating on another person until they give up. That's a pretty rough thing to do to another person. Some parents are okay with that, some aren't. The fact is if you do know jiu-jitsu, you don't have to necessarily pummel somebody.

If the instructor in charge can make that distinction, can say that and is saying it in a way that you're comfortable with it. If somebody is indifferent, you know, it's like, well, if that person's a bully, they get what they get. That kind of indifference is going to expose your kid to other problems. Is the instructor having the kind of rapport with the kids where he's able to help them to use good judgment? Like at what point is it appropriate to use some kind of force to defend yourself? Are they teaching that to the students or are they just teaching them kicks, punches, forms, and how to score points? Look at that.

We have a competition team. We take our taekwondo students for example to competitions and you can tell some of those instructors they're like yeah yeah kick them in the head and if the student gets hurt they get hurt. There's an indifference to it. And when a student can start writing off the opponent indifferently and they don't have that sportsmanship then what happens is yeah they're going to start to play that out on other people. Eventually they'll play it out on their parents. So you have to watch that.

So much of it really is noticing the culture of the school, the way that the students are being taught and the demeanor and the approach of the instructor. And if you can get in there and take classes, if they have adult classes, that's even better because in adult classes, I know with me, I tend to loosen up and people see a little bit more of my personality. The kids classes, you have to really keep it where it's comfortable for the kids. So the adults that come here, they get to know me just as another guy, and that works. I think a lot of them feel very comfortable teaching their kids after they've had some time with me.

If your child is in a safe environment, surrounded by mentors that you approve of, then I think you got a really good shot at them having not just a great experience, but growing up to be great people that will be a credit to anyone that they work with as they get older. This is what you want to look for.

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