Why I Let My Kid Solve Their Own Problems in Martial Arts

So, how can we support our kids when they're taking classes if we're not on the mat when they're taking classes? Let's talk about it. Matt Thompson, Raising a Warrior. If you've read the book I wrote or have been following this channel for any length of time, you'll see that there's a certain set of themes that come up a lot. We talk about this thing, the process, quite a bit — the different pillars that are how you would kind of troubleshoot what's going wrong with your son or daughter when they're taking classes, the different areas that things can go wrong. And in there, one of the key themes that I've talked about is how really the parents are at the center of this, driving the ship.

And sometimes parents, they don't feel like that. They feel like, well, this is my kid. They're trying to be independent and we're trying to navigate how much independence to give them and autonomy and how much we set hard expectations on them. And this coach has been doing whatever martial art for however many years and I don't understand all of it. And so sometimes the parents kind of feel like I'm supposed to be in charge of all of this, but I don't know. I don't have a foothold. I don't know where I'm at. And believe it or not, if you could take a bit of a light touch, you'd be surprised what a consistent light engagement really carries a lot of weight here.

And so the concept of rose, bud, and thorn kind of comes into play. This would probably happen at the dinner table, or on the car ride out after classes. Rose, bud, and thorn is: what's one thing that went well? What's one thing that really worked? People want to feel understood. They want to feel heard. So if you can throw something out there, even if you know it's incorrect, sometimes it will just bother them to be misunderstood and then they'll tell you. There's all sorts of little things like that you can do to get people to talk.

But at any rate, what's one thing that went well today? Well, class was fine. Oh, so then you're 100% ready to go for this test? It's good. Which part is going well? Oh, I've gotten down all the little sparring concepts that we're working on — how to cut angles and come in for some strikes. Oh, that's great. Okay, cool. So that's rose.

Then the next one's bud. What's the thing that maybe needs a little bit more work, or what's the thing that you really see coming together? It's maybe not where you want it, but where do you see things coming together? Like, oh, I'm starting to get better with my front footwork — if they're doing something like taekwondo or something where they just need a quick little jabby kick. I'm doing better with that. So I'm able to shut down a person who's sloppy and coming at me with a big honking back-leg kick — kind of push them back, and the Japanese term is debana, like you preempt it and shut it down. Okay, great. That's bud.

And then: what's the thorn? What's the thing that sucks? What's the thing that's really just bumming you out, that's holding up the process? And then let him tell you. And the big thing is: don't try to solve that. Let him sit with it. Let him go. Having them reflect in that rose, bud, and thorn way — rose, this is happening great; bud, this thing is coming together for me, this is going to be rose very soon; and thorn, oh, this is the thing that sucks. So you see they got two out of three is good, and then one of them is I don't see the way through this. And then just support them, encourage them to talk to the coach, and just be there for them.

Let them talk. Let them reflect. Be that voice inside of their head that doesn't get swallowed up by the tension and instead is finding a path through the melees, through the wilderness, to whatever it is they're trying to accomplish. Be it just self-defense, a fun activity, a bunch of medals, whatever the thing is — be there for them. That is something that no one else in the whole planet can do. Only you guys, only mom and dad, in whatever configuration that may happen.

So anyway, be present. Rose, bud, and thorn, and they will be looking and smelling like a warrior before you know it. Just be present. They're going to do great.

Watch the full talk on Raising a Warrior

Watch "Why I Let My Kid Solve Their Own Problems in Martial Arts" on YouTube

More Raising a Warrior posts

First class free with a loaner uniform, then a 10-day trial. Book your free class