Can Praising Hard Work Beat Sibling Rivalry?

Your kid is comparing themselves to one of their siblings, and the comparison is not going so well. Let's talk about it.

Maybe it's usually the younger sibling that has trouble. Sometimes the older one can have trouble too, if the younger sibling is some little phenom that's just getting stuff. When they compare, they're saying, oh, this kid is doing better forms, got that test, did the tournament and placed first, and I got third. And there's a lot of that going on.

Check yourself first

Well, first, make sure that you're not inadvertently comparing the kids and they're picking up on it. And that's tough. I only have one kid right now, but I could see where it would be tough. You just go, hey, great job, and then the other kid is like, I worked really hard too.

So just make sure that you're not bringing comparison in yourself, and if you do, correct that. Look at the other one and make sure that they know you want to motivate them. Yes, success is great. But really, what we need to be praising is the work. The work and the consistency.

The process

It's a thing that we use for our competition teams called the process. Basically it goes: you're going to perform, and then you're going to assess that performance, because we usually video record it. Then you're going to theorize what you could do better. Then you're going to drill whatever you theorize needs to happen, and then you're going to repeat.

If you're focused on that, a lot of the comparison starts to fall away. Hey, you got first place, good job. But you look at the other one and go, you got third place, but look where you were. See that you got these things down, and these things down. Maybe your competition was tougher, because the person you went up against had performed nationally or internationally. And maybe the other sibling didn't have as much competition in that regard. Being focused on the process is really, I think, how you get around a lot of it.

That's not to say the end result is not important. Everyone wants to do well. But we have this thing in jiu-jitsu: we say that submissions come from control. If I'm pinning somebody down and I take away all their options, eventually I'm going to get a hold of their arm or their neck and wrap this problem up.

Sticking with the process is kind of the same thing. Okay, maybe you didn't come in first, but you get better at controlling, which is that steady, consistent work: perform, assess, theorize, drill it, repeat, over and over and over again. If they're staying focused on that and just moving forward, the comparison won't be as big of a deal. They'll be able to celebrate the other sibling being successful.

It comes back to the parents

It's a little rough, but I think it really does come back to the parents. If you're leading the charge on this stuff and teaching them a Kaizen kind of mindset, gradual improvement over time, not crossing your fingers and hoping it improves, but: here's a goal, get that down, drill for it, get it, great, next tournament, move on, next thing, next thing. Stay dedicated to that, and you'll still get a little bit of jealousy here and there. We're all humans. We're going to feel what we feel. But it should be manageable, where you can just talk it out.

And mom and dad can look at the kid and say, I love you, and there's nothing you're going to do in this place that's going to make me not love you. On top of that, if you just stay focused on the improvement and the honest assessment of yourself and what you're doing, you're going to get everything you want. That's the thing that builds grit. That's the thing that builds character. Maybe they'll get there later, but they'll get there. That consistent focus on the process is what keeps them from falling off the path.

So focus on the hard work and the consistent process, and let the chips fall where they may. It's tough, and you might have to hug them a couple of times if they get a bad loss, but this is how you raise a warrior.

Watch the full conversation

Watch the full talk on YouTube to hear how to turn sibling comparison into steady, shared progress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrXnFBmkAjc

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Can Praising Hard Work Beat Sibling Rivalry?

Check yourself first

The process

It comes back to the parents

Watch the full conversation